A Short Guide to your Special Day
A Short Guide to your Special Day
If you are thinking of getting married at St.Thomas the Apostle, then you will already have been thinking about making a serious commitment to your partner, for a church wedding is not about getting some nice photos, but about making some solemn promises before God.
Married life has its ups and downs, but like most things, if you are prepared to work at your relationship and not see it as some kind of disposable commodity, to discard lightly when the going gets a bit tough, then you will find it a rewarding sacrament for life.
Marriage is a sacrament: it speaks of God getting involved in your relationship. In fact, there should always be three people in your marriage: the two of you and Almighty God. God walks with you through the joyous times and the not so joyous.
At S.Thomas the Apostle, you will find a warm welcome and a desire to help you have a wonderful day, and support you through the rest of your married life together.
You need to live within the parish boundary. See this map to check.
If you don't then you will need to be on the electoral roll, which means becoming a regular member of our Church community, which we define as coming for a year at least twice a month.
We recognise that people have different work commitments and hectic lives, but Mass isn't just for Sundays, we come together during the week as well.
If you have been divorced, then this does not automatically exclude you from a wedding at S.Thomas, but Fr. Simon will want to have a talk with you at the earliest stages to discuss your situation. To get a flavour of our approach to the (sometimes) sensitive subject of marriage after divorce, then read one of Fr. Simon's sermons on the subject.
Sometimes it may be more appropriate to have a service of blessing following a civil wedding. Fr. Simon can help you decide what is the most appropriate.
One or both of you needs to come to our Parish Office, which is held every Saturday morning between 10 and 11 o'clock. The office is staffed by members of our congregation who will be able to fill in the right forms with you and book your wedding into the diary. We can't take bookings over the phone.
The office staff will check that you are either living in the Parish or are on the electoral roll. They will then arrange for your banns to be called.
Calling the banns is a legal requirement if you are to be married in the Church of England. We read out your names on three Sundays and announce that you are planning to get married. This gives people in the local community a chance to object if they know of a reason why you cannot legally marry. (If you marry in a registry office, your names would be displayed for three weeks before the wedding for the same reason).
We will read your banns on the first three Sundays of the month before the wedding. We will tell you the dates of the banns. You do not have to be present in church at the 10am Mass to hear them, although a lot of couples like to be there.
If one of you lives in another parish, you must have your banns read there as well. Banns must be read during the three months before the wedding. Please contact the other church in good time so that they can arrange this. When the banns have been called in the other church, they will give you a certificate (cost in 2006: £30) which you must bring to us. This is your responsibility. We cannot marry you if we have not seen this certificate and it is something that is often overlooked and causes panic at the last minute.
If you need a banns certificate for a wedding in another church, then after the banns have been called they should be picked up from the Parish Office on Saturdays between 10am and 11am. This is your responsibility and we will not chase you up.
If you have been divorced, then Fr. Simon will also need to see copy of your decree absolute at some point to ensure you actually can be married! You can bring it along when you meet with Fr. Simon to discuss the wedding.
If your partner is, for example, a Roman Catholic or a Methodist, or of another faith, their banns must still be read in their local CHURCH OF ENGLAND church. This is a purely legal requirement.
If you would like a minister from another denomination to take part in the ceremony, we will be happy to discuss this. For legal reasons, however, the exchange of vows must be conducted by a Church of England priest.
If your partner is foreign national special provision is made and you should contact Fr. Simon as soon as possible.
Wedding fees are made up of a number of charges. There is a priest's fee which goes into the central funds of the Church of England from which clergy are paid. We do not get paid extra for conducting weddings.
A charge is made for the use of the church building, to help maintain it as a facility for the community. It is now our practice to make a collection either during a third hymn or during the signing of the registers whilst a piece of music is being played and the legal formalities are being completed. We may ask your ushers to assist with the collection.
There are also fees payable for the organist, choir, video and heating in the winter months.
Unfortunately we are unable to arrange flowers on your behalf, but encourage you to make these arrangements with a local florist.
A detailed list of fees can be seen at the Parish Office. They will go up slightly on 1st January each year and the fee you pay will be the fee at the time of the wedding, not at the time of booking. The current fee from January 2008 is £600
As for many, a blessing or service of thanksgiving for marriage, is seen as almost the same as wedding, the cost is £400 which is the usual fee, less the statutory Church of England fee.
We require a non-refundable deposit of £100 with your booking. We can only regard your booking as provisional until this deposit is paid.
We would be grateful if you could please pay both deposit and balance by cheque made out to "St Thomas the Apostle PCC" to the Parish Office on Saturdays between 10am and 11am. We will issue you a receipt.
A wedding is not just a personal celebration; it is also a legal ceremony, marking a change in your legal status. Because of this, there are rules made by the government about how the service is conducted; by whom, where, and what is said within it.
However, within those limits we can work with you to plan a service which will be special for you. Ultimately the form the service takes is at our discretion, but we like to be flexible and we will enjoy hearing your ideas and helping you plan. For example, the law says that you can't write your own vows, but you can write your own prayers, choose readings or poems, and choose the music. So, don't be afraid to ask if there is something special you would like.
Below you can download (in Adobe Acrobat format) a sample outline service sheet. You might want to have a separate sheet with this information in and your chosen hymns, or produce a simpler sheet to be used alongside this one.
Adobe Acrobat Format | 717 K |
Microsoft Publisher format. You can use this as a template for your own sheets if you wish | 153 K |
The organist, Mrs Alison Warne, is always happy to discuss your choice of music - the best time to catch her is after the service on a Sunday morning. Please make it a priority to contact her early in the process of planning your wedding, as the process of choosing and preparing the music can take some time.
There are normally two or three hymns during the service. One hymn is near the beginning, one before the prayers and the third during the signing of the registers. You can choose, in place of the third hymn, to have a piece of music, or a song sung by the choir or a soloist. A list of suggested hymns is printed below.
You can use our hymnbooks rather than printing a service sheet with the words of the hymns but please make sure that the hymn you want is included!
You will need to choose music to be played for the arrival of the bride and for the wedding procession at the end. Please talk to the organist about this.
To get an idea of some suitable (and traditional pieces) have a look here
We have a new hymnbook: Catholic Hymns Old and New which has a great combination of modern and traditional hymns,
If you don't have hymns in mind, and want hymns which speak meaningfully of your wedding, why not try these two to well known tunes:
God in the Planning (to the tune of 'Lord of All Hopefulness')
1 God, in the planning and purpose of life,
hallowed the union of husband and wife:
this we embody where love is displayed,
rings are presented and promises made.
2 Jesus was found, at a similar feast,
taking the roles of both waiter and priest,
turning the worldly towards the divine,
tears into laughter and water to wine.
3 Therefore we pray that his spirit preside
over the wedding of bridegroom and bride,
fulfilling all that they've hoped will come true
lighting with love all they dream of and do.
4 Praise then the Maker, the Spirit, the Son,
source of the love through which two are made one.
God's is the glory, the goodness and grace
seen in this marriage and known in this place.
God of All Living (to the tune of 'Morning has broken')
God of all living,
Father, we praise you,
Full of Thanksgiving,
For so much love;
Now in this wedding,
Come down among us,
Pour out your blessing,
Heavenly dove.
With love's true slendour,
Father, delight us,
Each giving hourour,
With faithfulness;
And may the sharing,
Of this sweet union
Deepen our caring,
With tenderness.
May there be children,
Fruit of our loving,
True men and women,
With faith beside;
Grant us your keeping
In all our future,
Your love caressing
Bridegroom and bride.
Some of the other most popular hymns are listed below, but please do not feel that you have to restrict yourself to these.
To hear these tunes and read these words, you will find many of these hymns at the Oremus Hymnal website.
You see, there are so many more choices than All Things Bright and Beautiful!
You will need two witnesses to sign the registers at your wedding.
They can be any two adults who are present, but are often members of the family. The registers are signed on the altar at the end of the service.
You will need to have at least two ushers at the wedding. They should be in the church twenty minutes before the wedding and introduce themselves to the priest as soon as they arrive, so that we can make sure they know what their responsibilities are.
Their jobs are to give out service sheets and hymnbooks and to direct people to their seats as they arrive. At the end of the service they need to be ready when the bridal party has left through the west (main) door to direct the rest of the congregation out through the side door. It is a great help if they can also collect books and help to clear up at the end of the service.
We want you and your guests to be able to enjoy your wedding without distractions. For this reason, we do not allow photography during the service, except by a professional photographer, without flash and with reasonable restraint. Any photographer, professional or otherwise, who distracts the priest conducting the service through obtrusive or excessive photography will be asked to leave the church.
It is actually illegal for photographs to be taken during the signing of the registers.
Photographs can be taken as you leave the church at the end, and of course, in the church grounds after the service. If the weather is bad it may be possible for some photographs to be taken inside the church after the service, but this will depend on whether the church needs to be prepared for another wedding
Copyright rules make the video recording of weddings a complicated business. The copyright of the hymns and music resides with the publishers of that music for fifty years after the death of the author. Older, traditional hymns are often out of copyright, but many newer ones are not. It is your responsibility to make sure that you are legally covered. A temporary copyright licence can be obtained, from Christian Copyright Licensing Ltd., who will also give advice. If you do want to video your wedding you must complete and return to us the form at the end of this booklet. There is a fee payable to the church.
This includes recording the wedding on a mobile phone, so please ask or remind your guests that this is not permitted unless you want to pay the licence (it is also very obtrusive and off-putting, the congregation should witness the wedding first-hand, not through the lens of a camera or a phone)
Please keep in touch with us as you make plans. If you have any questions please ask them as soon as you can, rather than leaving them to the last minute.
In any case, please contact Fr. Simon about three months before the wedding. He will then tell you which member of staff will be conducting the service, so that you can contact him or her directly. It is your responsibility to contact Fr. Simon
The priest concerned will want to meet you to talk about the wedding and get to know you. You can discuss with him or her not only the practicalities of the service, but also anything else which might be on your mind.
It is especially important that you inform us if you move, as this may invalidate the calling of your banns.
When you make the booking there is a non-returnable deposit which needs to be made, as we have on occasion been let down by people only days before a wedding.
When the priest who will conduct your wedding meets you, he or she will make an appointment with you for a wedding rehearsal, which will take place at some mutually convenient time in the few days before the wedding.
The bride and groom are of course essential at the rehearsal, but it is helpful if anyone else who is involved in the ceremony can be there. This would include the best man, the (adult) bridesmaids, ushers and whoever is giving the bride away.
Incidentally, the practice of 'giving away the bride' is optional. It is up to the bride whether she wishes to be given away, and by whom. It need not be her father who does this. She can choose anyone, male or female, whom she feels has played an important part in her life. The person 'giving away' only has to escort the bride down the aisle - there are no words to say!
We hope your wedding day will be one to remember - for all the right reasons. The most important people on that day are the two of you, so try to relax and let others take as much of the strain as possible.
The details of the service will be explained at the rehearsal, and the priest will talk you through the ceremony on the day. You do not have to learn any words or remember anything. However, there are some things you can do which will help.
Allow plenty of time for getting to church The photographer is likely to want to take pictures of the groom before the wedding so remember to allow time for that.
There is a belief that it is traditional for the bride to be late. In fact, though, it just makes everyone nervous (and young children fractious) if the bride is seriously late - so don't do it if you can help it. Instead, please try to arrive five minutes early. This will allow time for unhurried photographs of you arriving, rather than a last minute dash. If you are early, don't let your driver persuade you to go once around the block. It is much better to stop the car at the church and wait there. There might be a traffic jam around the block!
If you are more than 15 minutes late without a justifiable reason (accident, illness or injury) and havn't contacted us, then the wedding will be cancelled.
We cannot go ahead with your wedding if you are drunk. This is because you cannot give consent unless you are in control of yourself. A drink to steady your nerves is fine, but a best man who fills you full of Dutch courage in the pub is not doing you any favours.
If anyone in your party thinks it might be funny to object to the legality of the wedding, then they should think again. Not only will this be really distressing for all involved and ruin their special day, but anyone who makes an objection is required to place a bond of £1000 down whilst the allegation of an unlawful wedding is investigated. This bond is forfeit if it turns out to be groundless. £1000 makes it an expensive joke.
No wedding goes like clockwork. Brides forget their flowers, guests get lost, people fluff their lines, and Fr. Simon usually calls someone by the wrong name at some point in the service or spills holy water all over his service book! This is normal. It is not the end of the world. We are practised at smoothing things out and keeping calm while we do so.
If the legal requirements have been met - banns called etc. - and if the bride and groom arrive (and are sober - see above!), the wedding will go ahead and there is no reason why it should not be a joyful occasion. Ultimately it is the love and the commitment between you which makes the day, not whether every detail goes to plan, and many of the things which have kept you awake at night will slip by without you even noticing them. So please, try not to worry too much .
Keep this information handy. Ask us anything which it doesn't cover, and don't hesitate to get in touch if you need us , either before or after the wedding.
Getting_Married_Booklet_Dec.pdf In Adobe Acrobat format, this is the document you will be given when you book at Wedding at S. Thomas the Apostle. It might also be useful for other Churches as well! | 622 K |
Our Wedding Service sheet. You can also create your own. | 706 K |
| 108 K | |
Marriage_at_St_Thomas_Elson_-_order_of_service_and_words_to_be_used_in_the_service_sheet.doc If you are doing your own service sheets, these are the words and prayers you should have included. Microsoft Word format | 25 K |
O God, creator and lover of the world, we offer to you our lives, our words and deeds, our hopes and fears, and our love for each other.
Accept us as we are.
Make us what we shall be.
And by the power of your Spirit enable us to be a sign of your presence in the world;
through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen
(Jim Cotter)